Saturday, May 4, 2013

Ghosts of the Past & Fear of the Future

Last week I attended my long-since planned high school reunion!

Though I am jsut about to finish my Bachelor's degree, I actually graduated already 5 years ago! Looking back, it feels like an eternity. Most of the people I've met and befriended since then are younger than me, some just about to graduate or not even that, and sometimes this really makes me feel veeery old :'D

Before the meet up, I was super nervous. I organized the whole thing with the help of some former class representatives via facebook, and about 35 people agreed to come. While I do keep in touch with some of my former class mates from time to time, most of the people I hadn't seen during these 5 years at all.
I was unsure how they would treat me. Back in my school days, I was a kind of outsider and while I did have some friends, most people more or less ignored me. Since I use facebook under a fake name and wasn't "popular" during my school time, I was really wondering if everybody of these people even knew who I was :'D

This is a 1:1000 difference to what I looked when I graduated! I don't think I'll ever show you those old photos... too embarrassing ^^"

Turns out, they remembered me, and were actually really happy about the reunion and that I organized it. While there have been some awkward moments during that evening, most oft the time it was a lot of fun, and just talking about old times, where we are now and our plans for the future would have been enough to fill the whole night and more! It was really nice to see these people again, and I felt like my work to organize it all was really appreciated, which made me especially happy!

In the end, I think more people came than expected, I was absolutely unable to keep track of that, but we were definitely more than 30 at some point. Even people who have no facebook came, which made me especially happy! People were apparently just as excited about the reunion as I was, so they told their friends that were not on facebook.

I sure wish that our next reunion will be as good as this one!


During the days before the meet up, I was thinking about past decisions of mine and where they led me. I realized that my life, as it is now, was heavily influenced by this one person who was really important to me back then. I know that I held this relationship much more dear than this person did, and I guess I new it back then as well. However, staying close to this person was what made me decide to stay at that school instead of transferring to another one after 8th grade. For some time I was even considering doing an apprenticeship - to become a confectioner. And I thought about going to the same school as my cousin did, where they had cooking and service classes. But I didn't. Mainly because I didn't want to leave this person, and I hoped we would become closer if I stayed.

Needless to say, we didn't. Yet it influenced my life a lot because this choice shaped my future. In the last 4 years of high school I became more and more interested in science, which ultimately led to my choice of study. I joined the drama club and peer mediation team, where I met my boyfriend. I realized that this person and I would never become friends, but I didn't regret my choice, because a lot of other good had come from it.

Yet sometimes I think about it, the whole situation back then, and sometimes I even feel a little haunted. I wonder if I will ever meet this person again (who did not attend the reunion, by the way), if we will talk just as easy as we did all those years ago. And if one day, we will become friends just like I wished for. But I am pretty sure this is never going to happen, because just as it was back then, even now these feelings are onesided.

But that's okay.
My boyfriend once called this kind of people "ghosts". I guess probably everybody has one. It's that kind of person your really liked, maybe without them even realizing or appreciating it. While they go on about their life, not thinking about you, you keep on wondering where they are now and how they're doing. You think about them, from time to time, and if you ever see them again, you feel anxious and yet uneasy. Because you know that you liked them way more than they did like you - and you don't really want that to be affirmed by them maybe not even recognizing you.
They are the people who shaped our lives and personalities without meaning to and without realizing. And in that way, they do haunt us, maybe forever.
Do you have such a person in your life?

But not just the past, the future has been bothering me too lately.
I didn't get that summer job, and it seems like this year, a lot of people had problems finding internships for the summer. Most places just won't take you, even if you promise to work for 3 months, even if you'd work for free. They fear you'll break more than your work'll be worth, so they don't even let you try.

I talked to someone at the reunion who works in a hospital. He did his Bachelor thesis there (he studies something similar as I do), and they basically kept him there for his Master too. So he has finished his Bachelor now, and continue to work there and write his Master thesis while he studies. I have to admit I was incredibly envious of him. This is exactly what I would have wished for, yet I feel without any chance of actually getting in somewhere, because nobody will take me in!

At the same time, the thought of continuing my studies bothers me every day. I think I am fairly sure now of what I want to do, even if it's not ideal. The study program would not be wholly in English (which I think is really stupid), and it would be at the University of Vienna (with which I had very bad experiences during my time there) and I would probably have to take additional exams to cover at least 24 ECTS because they just don't care about my Bachelor's degree. Yet, I really see no better alternative. Only programmes that are either not interesting, or super redundant or entirely in German (I mean, come on people...).

But anyway, I will just hope for the best, because right now, I feel like finding a good Master programme is the least of my problems. First of all, I have to make it through the exams, and then we'll see.
Also, it might not be that bad that I don't work this summer. Maybe I can find something else to do besides renovating the flat, such as sewing! I'll just try to be optimistic about it all, and hope that one day, I'll even find a job that is better payed than 300€ per month, so I can make a living.
On one hand, it would be good to have more time. On the other hand, I won't be having any money to do something decent anyway. Which wouldn't matter if I had a job to spend my time on. I wouldn't even need to get paid well, because I'd just be glad to have something to write in my CV.... Oh well, it's a vicious circle. I know that I'll be sad and depressed if I don't find a job for the summer, but I'll try my best to keep it away from other people at least :'D


Sooo what are your plans for the summer? Have some already?

4 comments:

  1. Jaja, die Geister ... ich glaube, da hat wirklich jeder welche. Man kann leider nur rätseln, wie viel sie uns wirklich beeinflussen.

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  2. Das mit den Geistern stimmt definitiv. Ich habe auch so jemanden. Ich werde diese Person wohl nie ganz los. Und das, obwohl ich sie seit fast vier Jahren nicht mehr gesehen habe.

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  3. Oh ja, diese Geister kenne ich auch... bei mir war es ähnlich wie bei dir, bin wegen einer bestimmten Person in die bilinguale Klasse gewechselt. Dieser Mensch hat mir dann zwar letztendlich viel Schmerz gebracht, aber ohne ihn wäre ich niemals auf die Idee gekommen, dass es überhaupt eine bilinguale Klasse gibt - und das war wirklich eine der besten Entscheidungen meines Lebens!

    Ich hoffe, dass sich deine Zukunftspläne dann bald ein bisschen konkretisieren, finde sowas immer doof. Und ich hoffe, dass du dann ganz viel englische Veranstaltungen belegen kannst, weil die Sprache toll ist und ich denke in deinem Beruf wäre es eh sinnvoll, verstehe gar nicht, wieso das nicht überall angeboten wird. o_o

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  4. Oh ja so Geister habe ich auch... Dank Facebook kann man zwar ab und zu mal schauen ob man sie wiederfindet, aber wenn es dann tatsächlich so war habe ich ihnen doch nie eine Freundschaftsanfrage geschickt weil ich genau wusste, es wäre dann nur eine Zahl mehr in mine Freundesliste aber der Kontakt würde trotzdem nicht wieder aufleben und es kann sowieso nie wieder so sein wie früher...

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