Monday, February 24, 2014

The world stops for no one...

...especially not whiny little brats like me. So it is high time to get moving so I don't get dragged along, right?

The last entry was a little piece of my heart and I want to thank everyone who read it and commented. I really appreciate to hear back from you, and I was especially touched when some of you told about their own struggles and problems. I hope we can find some comfort in the thought that we are indeed not alone, and thanks to the internet it's possible and so easy to exchange our thoughts with each other! I hope you find someone who is there for you when you're really down, and if you don't know who to talk to and want to message me, you know where to find me, and I'll try my best to help you out.

As for my own struggle, I just recently had another meeting with that psychologist. The last two times we did a lot of assessments, tests, questionnaires and stuff, but we also talked about my past and possible backgrounds for what bothers me. But what I think is important and what she emphasized too, is that I try to make the best of what I have now, and that I'll definitely try.

She asked me to make a list of three things, that I would have to change NOW to make my life feel more fullfilled and happier. So together we came up with these little challenges, that I will be following for the next few weeks and hopefully months.

The first challenge is to be more active.
I did a lot of pilates when I was in Finland, and it really helped me to keep it together when I was so desperate and unhappy with my internship. And when I studied for my Bachelor exam, I was also doing some exercises almost every day to balance out all the brain work. Now when summer came around and it got hot, and we started renovating our appartement, I was so tired and sore every night when we came home, I had absolutely no energy left whatsoever. I had planned to take it up in October, when university started, but didn't. Then I made a New Years resolution to start on 1. January. But I didn't. And by now we have almost March and except for one feeble attempt to do pilates I never even tried.
I understood that in order to get started, a resolution alone won't be enough anymore. I needed something to motivate me - besides my self hate that yelled at me that I'm only getting fatter and lazier with every day. So I did something I wanted to do for ages - literally - but never did, because I never wanted to spend the money... I went and bought proper sports clothing. It sounds really ridiculous at first. Usually I just wear some shorts and a T-shirt for pilates, basically the same stuff I'd wear for hanging around at home or sleeping. But quite often these clothes get really uncomfortable. Shors are so tight they slip up your thighs or so loose that I can feel thousands of folds digging into my skin when I'm down on the mat. T-Shirts are way too much fabric when I get heated up, but working out topless has other certain disadvantages :'D
In the end, nicely fitting and somewhat even good looking sports clothes were always a kind of "dream" of mine, and I was always on the look out for some cheap but nice ones, but never found what I wanted. So I just told myself, well fuck it, and went and bought some stuff with some money I had saved for undetermined purposes.

It was really weird to spend so much money on these clothes... The only really expensive pieces of clothing I own are two ball gowns and one brand Lolita dress, which I got second or third hand comparably cheap. It was wear to spend such amounts on such tiny pices of fabric.
But it was totally worth it.
It's a materialistic approach to tie your plans to something like that, but I really think that getting these things will make me hold on better. The thought of maybe one day feeling comfortable to go jogging outside or go to fitness classes again (where other people can see me, uhhhg!) is reassuring. These clothes, as stupid as it may sound, give me hope that I can really do this!

It was part of the challenge to do this. "Just do it" my psychologist said, "if you feel it is what you need".
Well, I did my first workout (blogilates) again today and I went on for about an hour without feeling tired, mentally. Physically my body was screaming, but not for me to stop but to continue. And after that hour I did some stretching and thought "I wish I could go on another hour" and the thought of continuing the next day seemed thrilling instead of bothersome.

So this is the first challenge, that I start to get a better grip on my self hate again by working on feeling better about my body. I came up with the second challenge instantly as well: drawing. At least one sketch a day, even if it's just a scribble. I already planned to do that in October or so and bought a little book to draw into, but I never got started. I had tried to draw digitally again lately and it was devastatingly difficult for me. So I thought, maybe traditional will be easier to get "back into it". 
The challenge itself really is an encouragement to draw more often. Even if I don't manage to do it every day, I will try my best. It's not like I lack ideas or things I'd like to practice :'D
As for number three, the psychologist encouraged me to do something together with my boyfriend. We were spending so much time apart lately, with me working during the week and coming home dead tired, depressed and exhausted, and him working night shifts on week ends it's not always easy to find some time to spend together. The challenge is to go to the cinema more often (at least three times until my next appointment, to be precise), because I couldn't think of anything better and we really love going to the cinema normally, but these past months no movies we wanted to see came up.

Three challenges - and a loosely defined time frame of 4-5 weeks, depending on when I'll get my next appointment. I will try my best for the first and second challenge, with the movies I'm not so sure if we'll find so many movies in the next weeks that we both wanna see, but, well. We'll see.

One thing that's not on the list that I really have to do nonetheless is to figure out what to do about my job, because the current situation is just pretty much unbearable for me. But more on that on a separate entry. I just realized these past days how much of my uneasiness and stress is only related to this one thing, and it really makes me feel like I should do something about it.


So what do you think about these challenges?
Have you something similar - a personal challenge to feel better, maybe a new year's resolution - going on at the moment? Tell me about it ^__^


  1. Hmm, vielleicht sollte ich mir auch konkrete Ziele setzen? Die Idee ist gar nicht so schlecht, ich kupfer die jetzt einfach bei dir ab. Danke!!
    Hoffentlich klappts jetzt mit den neuen Sportklamotten besser. Ich drück dir auf jeden Fall die Daumen!! <3

    1. Danke! Ja, ich denke es ist eine gute Idee das so zu deifnieren, und vielleicht auch wirklich nicht mehr als 3 Dinge zu bestimmen, damit man nicht den Überblick verliert und dahinter bleibt ^^ Falls du es auch so machen wirst, viel Erfolg! :D

  2. Oh, das ist schön zu hören. Die Sportklamotten sehen echt gut aus. Und schön zu höre, dass Sport dir so hilft. Wünsche mir, dass es bei mir auch so wäre :D
    Mehr zeichnen ist definitiv eine tolle Sache, von der ich mir eine dicke Scheibe abschneiden müsste, denn das ist wirklich schön, erfüllend und macht den Kopf frei. Hach ja, ich habe auch leere Büchlein hier und joa, sonst passiert nicht so viel...
    Und das dritte ist verdammt wichtig. Das merke ich auch selber. Man muss sich wirklich bewusst viel Zeit füreinander nehmen. Man muss ja nicht immer ausgehen oder etwas unternehmen. Einfach Sachen, die man zusammen macht oder einfach mal quatschen. Hauptsache nicht so nebenher-zwischendurch, sondern richtig. Das ist wirklich wichtig :)
    Ich drück dir die Daumen!
    Und es ist schön, dass dir virtuelle Freundschaften so wichtig sind, ist bei mir auch so. Auch wenn ich manchmal am liebsten alle in einen großen Transporter stopfen würde und meine eigene kleine Siedlung eröffnen würde, nur mit Menschen, die ich mag XD

    1. Hihi, das Gefühl kenne ich :D Aber wenn ich dann bedenke wie viel leichter es mir fällt eben zu schreiben als zu sprechen, bin ich dann doch manchmal ganz froh dass viele mich eben "nur" über das Internet kennen, da ich mich da doch auch ziemlich anders verhalte - denke ich zumindest ^^

  3. das ist echt eine gute Idee, sich konkrete ziele zu setzen :D ich hab auch gemerkt, dass mir Sport richtig richtig gut tut :D leider mach ich es einfach zu selten XD

    1. Es ist hart, vor Allem wenn an einem Tag echt alles mies lief und man völlig erledigt nach Hause kommt und nur noch ins Bett will... aber ich versuche es auch nicht zu eng zu sehen, wenn ich es mal an einem tag wirklich nicht schaffe... jeder Tag wo ich es überhaupt mache ist besser als wenn ich es gar nicht mache!

  4. Ich wünsche dir viel Glück. Schöne Idee eigentlich. Vielleicht sollte ich das auch machen.

    1. Dankeschön! Ich finde es ja lustig dass mir die zwei von den drei Punkten wirklich sofort eingefallen sind, und zwar sehr konkret. Ich denke irgendwo wusste ich ja schon was mir "fehlt", sozusagen.

  5. It's important to set yourself goals, even if they're just little ones. The key is that they have to be important enough to you, so you really want to achieve them. That enables you to put a reason behind the pain of every-day life, which is the actual power of your goals: keeping focused by mental distraction. (Sounds like a paradox, doesn't it? :D But it works! ... Well, for me ... most of the time.)
    But don't overdo it. Don't push yourself too hard. One of the problems that I have as well is with accepting the fact that I don't have to be perfect and that I have my own speed. I also keep beating myself up about being lazy when I "achieved nothing today". Sometimes it's difficult enough just to get out of bed, but that's perfectly fine. You can't build a whole new perception of the world in your head on one day anyway. It takes time. And over time you get more confident with the little steps (e.g. getting out of bed) and start to make bigger ones all by yourself.
    (I have to keep telling that to myself. ^^)

    1. Yes, you're absolutely right. Not every day can and will be a good day, but especially with sports it's easy to tell yourself that even if you have no strenght left on one day, if you do something the next day it's still better than if you did nothing at all. I try to tell myself that :)
      Drawing is more difficult because I need to be calm and relaxed to do it, or it will frustrate me. But I'll keep on trying, it can only get better I guess.
      And the best of luck for your "little steps" too ♥

  6. Es ist wichtig, sich kleine Ziele zu setzen! Sehr sogar <3 Finde es toll, dass du so offen auf deinem Blog schreibst... ich trau es mich noch nicht so.

    1. Danke!
      Mir fällt es sehr viel leichter hier darüber zu schreiben, auch wenn es theoretisch "die ganze Welt" lesen kann, als zB mit meiner Familie darüber zu sprechen... meine Mutter hat auch erst durch den Blog davon erfahren... es stört mich auch grundsätzlich nicht dass Leute es wissen könnten, sondern einfach der Prozess des "Erzählens" (womöglich noch ungefragt, indem man das Thema selbst ansprechen muss, oh Gott!) ist für mich schrecklich. Auch bei der Psychologin fühlte ich mich seltsam diese Dinge die mich belasten mal auszusprechen statt nur aufzuschreiben.
      Ich denke es ist nur ein weg von vielen es zu verarbeiten :)

  7. ich finde die Idee gut und wenn es dich motiviert und dir gut tut, dann solltest du dir solche Sachen wie die Sportkleidung mal gönnen :)


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