Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I forgot how to human (but it's okay)

Yo, I'm back with some random blabla and also some outfit photos!

On Sunday my family had a huge gathering for Christmas and also my grandma's birthday. This has become somewhat of a tradition, and it's really cool to see my whole "clan" together at least once a year! Actually all of us still live in the local area, and we're a pretty big family so when we all come together... well, let's say at the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend used to joke that we're the local mafia or something (the fact that there is a small spot in my old home village that is named after my grandma's family probably didn't help fight that prejudice, haha).

So, anyway, it was a welcome excuse to pick up some make up brushes and wear something nice for a change.

I was like "Hey I could use some fake lashes, perhaps the not-too-obvious-ones?" and accidentally grabbed a similar looking, much more obvious pair, so I ended up using bottom lashes as well XD
For the first time in what felt like forever I was really happy with my make up and outfit! It was good feeling to wear a cute dress and my hair open, to have enough time to do my make up properly and even do my hair a bit.

Casual Gyaru inspired outfit.... or something.
Those little pink bows are actually hairbows, but I used them to close the cardigan :'D

I uploaded these two pictures on my instagram and something pretty much insane happened: Over 200 people liked my picture XD I was totally surprised by this, I also suddenly got a lot of new followers, and I have no idea how they even "found" that photo but hey, it really motivates me to upload photos more frequently again! 

This was not the only thing that totally made my day... first of all, it was a lot of fun to see the different reactions from family members regarding my hair color. Most of them haven't seen me since summer or even before that, so it was a surprise for almost everyone. And many people liked it, which I found really encouraging. Many people thought it's in fact a wig and didn't believe it's my real hair. But then again, when I still had black hair people also always asked me if I wear extensions because they were so long ^^"

And the third thing that made me really happy that day was that I finally got to talk to my cousin after a long time. To some extent I would say she's always been like a big sister for me, she was a huge role model for me when I was a kid and I love her a lot. When we were kids and hung out together, people used to think we're sisters because we looked so much alike. But since she is 7 years older than me, we grew apart at some point when she just "outgrew" me. However, I never stopped admiring her and I really enjoy hanging out with her, even though I'm don't play a big role in her life. Funny thing is, she actually lives only like 5min away from me (by foot) but we still don't end up seeing each other very often ^^" I guess she has her couple of good friends that she mostly hangs out with, and I sometimes still feel that I'm a bit "too young" or perhaps immature for her. But anyway, it was lovely to spend some time with her and have a chance to talk about all the things that happened these past months.

We also talked briefly about my plans of changing my name. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I always come back to the conclusion that it would probably help me cope with this situation with my father. I feel like by now this is just something that I have to put behind me, and to hear "his" name whenever I am called, is definitely not helping. I realized that the times were I just don't think about him at all are usually the times we're I'm most relaxed and at ease with myself. The more I think about the situation, the more stressed out I get, the more depressed and guilty I feel, the more I hate myself when I look into the mirror and the more I hate my name.

At the family gathering, I realized once again that THIS is my true family. These are the people that I feel close to, the place where I feel I belong. I am absolutely blessed to have such a huge, loving and supportive family. I know that I mustn't take it for granted to have this family where there is no drama and fighting. Sometimes when I meet people who know my mum or my uncles, they tell me how much I look like them. They have no idea how insanely happy it makes me when they say this, because when I look into the mirror, all I see is my father's face. I know that it is "just a name" but I really wish to be part of this family also by name, so I would like to take my mothers maiden name (which is also my grandma's, uncles', cousins' and great-cousin's names, the second "branch" of my family has my grandma's maiden name).

The only problem is, I don't know if I can legally claim that name, or if I have to pay the fee for a "name of choice" which would be a whopping 600€, not even counting the fees I would have to pay to get a new passport and drivers license. But I already started to save for this, and my boyfriend said he's going to fully support me in my plans, because if we marry one day, he would like to take that name too!

Well, anyway. The family gathering just got me thinking a lot. I haven't been at my best lately, and I barely managed to handle my full time job, my studies, my household, my family and friends, a healthy lifestyle... I feel a bit lost and broken, but this little event reminded me that I'm not alone with all of this. And I think that I have to take this step, away from the past and toward a future where I can be happy and free from my "demons".

Much blabla, some photos - as promised in the beginning :'D
I am currently a bit overwhelmed with all the Christmas preparations and celebrations (had a Christmas party at my workplace and Monday and another tomorrow with my lab group, right after I have to go to an exam, and another Christmas party on Thursday... yes, for an introverted person these are exhausting things! XD) though I'm not really in Christmas mood... but I will just try to update my blog again soon with somethign interesting :D

See you~


  1. OK I have no clue if my last comment got posted because the website didn't load properly :/ please let me know if it did


    1. OK I think it didn't this happens so often when I use the ipad sorry :/

      What I wrote was that I can understand your "name dilemma" because I am in a similar situation: My mum remarried when I was only a few years old and thought it would be better if we had the same last name so now I have my stepdad's name but they got divorced a long time ago and he doesn't care about me at all. I have a very good relationship with my father and half sisters and their mother though and they are my true family so I wanted to have my old name back as a sense of belonging and my boyfriend wanted to accept that name too when we get married. Sadly it isn't possible in Germany though, they say there is no real reason to change the last name but in very few exceptions because, I will quote this in German "das Interesse der Allgemeinheit daran, dass eine Person ihren Namen behält, höher gewertet wird als das Interesse einer einzelnen Person, ihn zu ändern". Seriously wtf is that? As if anybody cares what my last name is but to me it would have meant so much and it felt like my family was taken away from me all over again and I can never truly belong. I know it doesn't really change anything and it's "just" a name but for me it would have made a huge difference emotionally and psychically to finally have that sense of belonging and being able to have it in writing too :/ And oddly enough in UK I could have it changed without any problems, but they still wouldn't legally recognize it in Germany and I would have to give up my German passport. How messed up is that?

      Anyhow I wish you more luck in your case and hope that you can get the name change without having tompay the extra fee.

    2. Thank you for your comment ♥

      Wow, that reasoning against name changes seems pretty messed up. I mean, I understand that they don't want everyone to change their names all the time but who would really do that?
      So you don't have a German citizenship? in that case, if you got married in the UK, would they also not accept it? o_O
      This seems all pretty weird... I guess I'm lucky that at least if they don't agree with my reasons for the name change, if I pay for it I will get it anyway. But I'm really sorry to hear about your situation! :(

    3. I do have German citizenship and that is the problem, I could get a British passport with the changed name without any problems, but the German law would not accept it as legally correct. The only way for me to have the name changed would be to give up my German citizenship and only have British citizenship, but I could never get the German citizenship back because I voluntarily gave it up. Considering that I'm living in Germany and, while I do wish to live in UK with my boyfriend sometime in the future that won't be happening within the next 5 yeary, maybe afterwards. So I'm not sure if it would be a smart thing to to as I would then be classed as a foreigner although I grew up here :/

      If I got married in UK German law accepts a different name because marriage and divorce are legal reasons to have a last name changed. My mother actually had the idea I could marry someone with my family's last name because it is rather common and then get divorced again but I feel that would be a really messed up thing to do.

  2. Dein Outfit sieht wunderschön aus und auch dein Make Up! Wundert mich nicht, dass du soviele Likes bekommen hast!

    Es freut mich, dass du eine solch tolle Familie hast! Sowas braucht man. Darf ich fragen, was mit deinem Vater ist? Ich bin noch nicht so lange deine Leserin und damals nur durch Zufall auf dich gestoßen ._.

    Und Kopf hoch! Ich find es sehr schön von deinem Freund, dass er dann deinen Namen annehmen möchte. <3

    1. Dankeschön ♥
      Klar darfst du fragen. Es ist keine sehr große Geschichte, meine Eltern ließen sich recht knapp nach meiner Geburt scheiden, mein Vater hatte schon damals Probleme mit Spiel- und Alkoholsucht, die er vor meiner Mutter offenbar verheimlichte. Und das zog sich dann über die Jahre so hin... auch wenn ich eigentlich immer ein gutes Verhältnis zu ihm hatte wenn wir uns gesehen haben, als ich älter wurde habe ich diese Dinge dann halt auch mehr mitbekommen und einige Geschichten gehört... und es wurde mit der Zeit immer schlimmer. Er hat einfach seinen Körper und sein Leben durch seine Sucht zerstört und der Kontakt wurde dadurch immer weniger. Er hat einfach offenbar nicht die Kraft sich zu ändern, und ich hab nicht die Kraft ihm dabei zuzusehen wie er sich totsäuft oder sonstwas.
      Es klingt jetzt alles nicht so schlimm, aber es sind einfach viele Kleinigkeiten die sich summieren und dazu führen dass ich eigentlich lieber mit Allem abschließen würde. Ich hab jetzt noch den Brief ungeöffnet neben mir liegen, den er mir zum Geburtstag geschrieben hat, und kann mich partout nicht überwinden den zu öffnen =/ Es ist einfach schwierig, das alles....

  3. Ich finde auf dem Bild merkt man aber auch, dass du zufrieden mit dem Outfit und dem Make Up warst, es hat eine besondere Ausstrahlung. (Insofern ein Bild halt eine Ausstrahlung haben kann...).

    Magst du mir ein Stück deiner Familie abgeben? Ich hätte gerne auch so eine tolle Familie <3
    Mittlerweile stört mich mein Name auch so ein bisschen, aber in Deutschland ist es halt irgendwie halb unmöglich, seinen Namen ändern zu lassen ._.

    Aber hey, du hast viel um die Ohren, klar, dass du da ein bisschen überforder bist! Ich bin ja schon mit Haushalt, Vollzeitjob und mir selber klar überfordert. Ich bewundere dich wirklich, wie du da nebenbei noch dein Studium machen kannst und dann auch noch Zeit für Freunde und einen gesunden Lebensstil findest. Wirklich seeehr bewundernswert!

    1. Aww dankeschön! ^///^
      Aber ich finde du hast recht, ich war auch echt zufrieden an dem Tag, auch mit dem Outfit... und ich denke dass das schon einiges ausmacht, ich gefalle mir auch besser als sonst auf dem Foto XD
      " Ich bewundere dich wirklich, wie du da nebenbei noch dein Studium machen kannst und dann auch noch Zeit für Freunde und einen gesunden Lebensstil findest. " - Naja, eben eigentlich leider genau nicht ^^" Aber mal sehen, vielleicht wird es besser wenn ich meine Prüfungen mal hinter mir habe!

  4. Mich wundert's schon ein wenig, warum gerade DAS Bild die Massen angezogen hat. Nicht falsch verstehen. Es ist super hübsch, aber das sind so viele deiner anderen Bilder auch, die es ebenfalls treffen hätte können. Aber naja, irgendwo muss der Fame ja mal anfangen und wieder einen Schub bekommen. ^^

    Zu deiner Familiensituation muss ich sagen, dass ich dich etwas beneide. In meiner ist es so, dass die Einen mit den Anderen möglichst nichts zu tun haben wollen. Wenn sie dann doch mal aneinander geraten, gibt's meistens nur Streit oder zumindest blödes Nachgerede hinterher. Und meine "Wahlfamilie" wurde ja durch etwas anderes zerstört. :/
    Jedenfalls ist das Gefühl, mit dem du die Gegenwart deiner Familie beschreibst, eines der Dinge, die ich am meisten vermisse.
    Wer sowas hat und es nicht zu schätzen weiß, evenutell sogar für selbstverständlich hinnimmt, der hat das Gegenteil noch nicht kennengelernt. Doch das Schöne ist ja, dass du nicht nur das Glück mit deiner Familie hast, sondern auch noch das Fähigkeit besitzt, dir deines Reichtums dahingehend bewusst zu sein. :)

    1. Ich versteh's auch nicht ganz :'D Nach der Clickbot-Löschaktion von IG hab ich nun auch ziemlich wieder genausoviele Follower wie davor, haha.
      Aber anyway, ich fands witzig ^^

      Was das Wertschätzen der Familie betrifft, hast du absolut recht. Auch wenn ich auch erst ein bisschen meiner Pubertät entwachsen (und vor Allem zu Hause ausziehen) musste um das alles wirklich vollends so zu sehen, ich merke es ja auch zB an der Familie von meinem Freund, der seine Großtante nicht mal kennt - für mich unvorstellbar, meine Großtante ist für mich so nahe wie für andere eine Großmutter. Ich habe halt auch das Glück dass die alle in der Umgebung leben und solche Familientreffen gut zu organisieren sind :)

  5. Ich beneide Menschen mit einer großen Familie, meine besteht nur aus 5 Leuten und hat trotzdem nicht den richtigen Zusammenhalt. Dein Outfit ist zauberhaft. Ich finde es so krass, dass du bis vor kurzem noch schwarze Haare hattest!

    1. Ich hab mich auch noch nicht daran gewöhnt.... dabei hab ich mit dem aufhellen ja schon letzten Sommer begonnen! D:


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